"Twice as Hard" • The Black Crowes (by Wade Harris)

Ray's mail comes to my house. 

Still. 

How the fuck do you manage to owe the bank $843.71 on your checking account?

He has a court summons. 

Like the saint I am, I call him, tell him to come get his mail. 

He always shows up on his blue '03 Sportster. Anniversary edition.

Well, once upon a time it was. 

Every time it shows up now he's painted the tank. 

To his credit—not bad, usually. 

I’m on the porch, feet up, drinking beer. 

Beautiful day. Birds chirping. All that jazz. 

I didn’t even have the stereo on for once. 

Drag pipes. 

No mistaking when Ray's in the neighborhood. 

The neighbors go inside. 

"DUDE, COME CHECK OUT MY FIX." 

Lost the plate. Again. 

He had written the plate number back on the bracket in paint pen.

Stupid, right? 

The bad part? It actually looked extremely believable from 20 feet back.

This fucking guy. 

Fine. I get his mail. 

He looks through my kitchen cabinets. 

He helps himself to the beer in my fridge. 

"Raymond." 

Blank stare. 

He takes the letter. Opens it with the precision of a chainsaw.

"This is fucking bullshit! Dude this is such bullshit! How did that cop know? The fucking bank must tell the police." 

The charge was failure to maintain financial responsibility. 

Which means no car insurance. 

The bank does not tell the police about overdrawn bank accounts. 

I look at the open cabinets. 

I look at my beer sweating in his hand. 

He’ll learn. 

Ray-free for four beautiful weeks. 

Peace. 

Phone rings. 

Sigh. 

Ray. 

"Yeah?" 

"Hey man, can you bail me out of jail?" 

"Ok, buddy." 

I grab my keys. 

Fire up Big Red, Flowmaster 10s singing just like a jailbird. 

Punch in the tape to Shake Your Money Maker. Great album. 

Spin the fuckin’ knob to full volume. 

Twice As Hard starts screaming through the 6.5” door speakers. 

Finish my beer and throw it out the window into the bed—practice makes perfect.

The neighbors go inside.

Wade Harris is a Texas-based writer whose work explores the overlap of humor, chaos, and working-class absurdity. His work has been published in Maudlin House and is forthcoming in: BULL, Dark Winter Lit, and Turn&Work. Read more: @TheWadeHarris and https://substack.com/@wadeharris