"Natural Disasters" • Unwound (by Isaac Offski)

At her crib was a cage I mean the kind for large birds Okay we got the baby image bird image jail image down sure After some interior grape lube some low-lit small talk smiles in the corners of the kitchenette with a hint a spidery gloom Right so add ferment emotional stirring insect universe then what Will ya quit hurrying me? So finally I ask about the cage n she says oh so you’d like a clinical demonstration of the inner machinations of my libidinal nomenclature n I’m all well idk about that but suddenly she's up n vanishes from sight She gone to get some toys, huh Damn man stop interrupting me I’m trying to tell a story here! So she reappears dressed in scrubs y’know like Comet-green nurse garb What else she got on her I shoot Finny a look like stfu dawg or I’m gonna just sit here n vape in stony silence till th' end a time okay? So what’s the plan here we gonna play Doctor? No silly, we are going to enact a visit to the veterinarian, because you’ve been a very bad dog Finny’s eyes get manga-sized now so I think hmmm well let’s see where this’s going until fuck me, the shrill whistle of hell’s consumption of the world blares n I leap a foot off my chair n she’s smiling around a shiny whistle You mean like a dog whistle No like a goddamn police whistle! I was a little nervous but she poured me another tall one n I hit my vape, then she tells me to please get undressed for the examination Holy shit right? She’s poking n prodding like feeling me up whispering Good boy, good boys stay, good boys are calm and relaxed when they get their rabies and distemper vaccinations Wait what? But I was already collared n leashed by then, the little pill hidden in a peanut butter treat kicking in hardcore n now she’s leading me into the cage Dawg, you have got to be shitting me Finny says Naw man really, I mean it wasn’t all that bad the rawhide chew bone she administered for the colonoscopy was a bit uncomfortable at first but she kept saying Good boy you’re being a VERY good boy while gently stroking the fur on my belly SHUT UP NO WAY! Yes way I mean I didn’t want her like, putting me to sleep or anything Dude! One a Finny’s legs was starting to spasm uncontrollably they call that Dancing Doberman Disease according to my new keeper she’s pretty smart n I’m learning true obedience n my new crate’s actually got Netflix

Isaac Offski lives in Los Angeles and cooks food in a restaurant. He enjoys long walks on the beach (uhh... what?), watching the sun rise at the beach (definitely not) and bleacher seats at Dodgers games (what a joke). He dreams of performing his spoken-word missives before throngs of adoring fans at a Hollywood Bowl midnight jubilee (we're talking psych-ward here).